This is my first real attempt to put into writing the pain that I feel daily; let's see how this goes.
I am depressed. I'm so depressed that I need to yell at myself both in my head and out loud to just get even the simplest things done. I have no drive to talk to people and I have a generally downer look on my face a lot lately. The smallest thing just triggers a wave of pain. Mental pain. Mental pain is the worst cause you can't just put a band aid over it. You feel it in your soul and it doesn’t go away. Only way it goes away is by sleeping, which I've been doing a lot of lately.
So why do I feel this way?
I wish I knew why. The only thing I can think of is that I have felt like I have had a long series of things not go well at all and these things compound themselves over and over and over again. Before it was things such as my grandpa losing his battle with throat cancer or my little cousin drowning in a pool in Africa that weighed heavy on my mind. I learned to suppress these feelings as I know that they both would not want me mourning the pain of them not being there and be the best person I can for them. From that point however, I have just had every and anything go wrong and every new event just triggers the pain.
I realize that it may seem like I'm being a brat because things aren't going my way, but It's not quite that. In fact, I've been working on my life in spite of the fact that I really want to give up and quit on life. This resolve to keep going despite the pain only makes me question why I even try when I do get down. This is also slowly breaking me down as I am struggling to even deal with the simple problems in my life. What's worse is I don’t feel as if anyone can understand me. I feel alone, even though people around me try to understand what's going on with me. I don’t want their help. I don’t even know if I want help at all.
And that’s the fucked up part. I feel as if there is a voice in my head and its screaming "destroy yourself" and I'm happily obliging cause I'm so blinded by the pain I feel inside. That pain is crippling me slowly. Despite all of this, I still have some optimism that things will get better. I don’t know how or when, but I know it does eventually; I just cannot let my desire to give up overpower my optimism. That’s easier said than done.