Confidence means a lot of different things depending on whom you ask. It may be the courage to ask a girl on a date or go try to talk to someone with power or influence, or just speak in a commanding, clear tone.
For me, it's all 3.
I lived a very sheltered life growing up. My mother, having experienced and survived growing up in New York City in the 1970s, '80s and '90s meant that she wanted to protect her only son from the dangers she knows the city to have.
What I believe, however, is she didn't really understand what she was doing or how much new york city has changed since the '90s. Don't get me wrong, it was still very rough and I still have very clear memories of seeing some fucked up shit in the South Bronx. But nowhere near what my mom tried her hardest to protect me from.
I love my mom and appreciate everything she has done for me. She instilled a lot of the great qualities that make me such a caring and giving individual. What I learned as a kid from her laid the groundwork for everything I work for now. Without her, I wouldn't be here writing blog posts, let alone have a vision of creating a platform for creators to express themselves together. That being said, this would have been absolutely phenomenal if I had a chance to go out into the world and apply my lessons among people I was growing up with. But I didn't. My mom protected me from these dangers for a very long time. In fact, it wasn't until I was 19 and my mom got married that she started to relax and let me do my thing.
But what is "my thing"?
I'm still trying to figure that out to this day. I really try not to blame my mother for this, but I believe that time I didn't spend being around people in high school is still having very detrimental effects on me. Video games became my ultimate escape because I was never judged playing games, especially online where people like me found comfort in being. Around each other in a virtual world. I essentially had to be home before 8 pm all the time, so this meant no hanging out with friends unless they were riding the train home, no parties on Fridays or Saturdays, none of that. On top of that, I had incredible envy of those that did because I saw them excelling socially in ways I couldn't even comprehend because my talking skills in a social environment were so weak.
Compounding this issue was the fact that I couldn't talk to women. I just sucked because most of my interactions were with other males who were a lot better at talking to girls. I thought having a very well paying job in high school would help out a lot. My kind and giving dispositions meant that in reality, many girls just put me in the friend zone then lead me to believe that I was getting somewhere. During that process, I spent A LOT of money for nothing. From about my junior year of high school through my first 2 years of college I experience very crippling depression which I originally thought was caused by the fact that I don't know why I am here especially when I feel so sad and lonely constantly. It took about 2 years of self-reflection and a lot of expensive therapy sessions to reach a calm point.
Today I am 24 years old, with a loving girlfriend and a career that I've invested about half my life into thus far. So why do I still don't feel confident in myself? Well, that is why I am sitting in bed at 8 AM writing this.
While I can easily just blame my upbringing (which I've almost taken pride in doing so), there comes a time, as my girlfriend says, I need to man up and just do it. To that, I usually blame my upbringing and how my kindness was abused, to which the response is that I need to let it go.
Can I let it go?
Of course, I can. This year has been a success in terms of being less socially awkward and building my confidence, and that is in part due to the fact that I let my past go and not let it define me any longer. But I still deal with the process of growing socially a lot later in life than most people. I still don't take initiative and I still have a lot of missteps when I speak to people. This is my struggle, but I'm going to work through it. I decided to write this because I know I am not alone and I hope someone can relate to my struggle and maybe share a bit of their struggle. After all, it helps to talk to more people to build your confidence.